How I Learned That True Love Has Limits
What would happen if we stopped seeing love as an accident and began to think of it as a decision?
Even though women recognize our personal power much more than 100 years ago, some mental programming continues to float like a poorly erased tattoo, and it can be very difficult to realize how these ideals destroy us until we see ourselves face down on the floor, crushed by our convictions.
The idea that “true love” is UNCONDITIONAL has the power to build castles in the air and make them collapse in your head one day without warning.
There may not be a belief more harmful than this to the individuality and decision-making power of women.
Unfortunately, it is also a widespread belief. I was part of that.
I really came to believe that true love ought to endure winds and tides, or the sinking of a ship and hypothermia.
I learned that this was a LIE after the same person cheated on me twice.
I knew it was going to happen even before the first round. Yet, I let my dignity float away to avoid recognizing how ashamed I was of myself… Of my unconditionality.
It never ceases to amaze me how much damage the idealization of love and the prostitution of personal identity can do.
Stop for a moment, and think about the meaning of unconditional. It won’t take long: absolute flexibility, malleability, adaptability…
An ingenious manufacturer would include all this in a washing machine’s datasheet, but we are talking about love here. True love, right?
Probably, you will have begun to notice how ridiculous it is to think of love as an appliance — even if sometimes love fails and melts.
To think that love must be unconditional is to deny the humanity of those who love and those who are loved. It is to refuse the experience of giving up (when necessary) and starting again (because there is no option).
What makes women believe that love means giving up on our conditions or get used to the life that MEN dream of?
It is tempting to blame our parents or society for the upbringing we receive. Still, it is our decision to learn the difference between what hurts us and what makes us flourish.
The difference between loving and depending
True love is conditional. If you’re with someone who humiliates you, beats you, or tells you that you can’t do anything for yourself, you’re not loving… You’re depending.
Plants depend on the sun. They can’t live without it.
Life depends on water. There can be no life without water.
Your body depends on your heart. You can’t be functional without it.
Believe me, you don’t want to depend on a couple, and you don’t need to do it either — much less if she/he doesn’t depend on you.
The truth is that, if you do not put conditions, if you negotiate your dignity, if you abandon yourself, you are not only responsible for your own suffering… You are also the cause.
Here’s something I learned after a bad streak of stormy relationships:
You need a personal garden, planted with dedication and care. You need jasmines, roses and gardenias, and all kinds of flowers and aromas that summarize in a word who you are. Whoever loves you — if she/he really loves you — will learn to walk without trampling on them.
This is a metaphor for our identity, our dreams, our values, our priorities… Our garden is the origin of our conditions, and our conditions will keep our garden alive.
What would happen if we stopped seeing love as an accident and began to think of it as a decision?
We all make important decisions in our lives daily, such as changing jobs, buying a house, adopting a cat…
How would all this come out if we did not have a list of conditions to differentiate between a good and a bad idea?
Just as you wouldn’t accept 10% of the salary you deserve, there is no logical reason to settle for a relationship where you’re not getting the respect and support you need.
There is no logical reason, but there are hundreds of irrational motives guided by the idea that love is inevitable and that we cannot straighten it out.
Well, the truth is that we can and deserve to.
No one should have the right to break your heart, destroy your illusions, or make you feel that you are not ENOUGH.
The right is yours, princess, only yours. Manage it well.
Start by putting aside the idea of perfect love and, instead, love yourself utterly, excessively, madly.
Love yourself to the point of becoming intolerant to voluntary suffering and contempt.
Love unconditionally, but only you, the authentic “love of your life.” No one else was born with you, and no one will die — irremediable — the day you die.
